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All poems are (c) copyright - Bob Eagle

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The Wise Men

They say that I'm a magi
whose come from lands afar'
They say that there were three of us
just following that star.

In fact I'm more an ordinary chap;
a leader of my clan.
I'm nothing really special,
just an ordinary man.

But one thing we are known for
is studying the skies.
But just cos we're astronomers,
doesnt make us wise.

Anyway some time ago
we noticed something new.
A star we hadn't seen before
appeared out of the blue.
(Well is was a dark night actually).

Some people said it clearly was
a sign of something grand,
something quite significant,
we couldn't understand.

And that's why several of us
left our lands afar
and set off on a trail
of following that star.

We reckoned that it signalled
a new king had been born.
We wanted to pay homage
at this new prince's dawn.

I'm really not sure why
we took the gifts we brought.
They didn't seem appropriate.
At least that's what I thought.

We had some gold - well that was fine;
that's what you take a King.
But frankincense and myrrh.
That's quite a different thing.

Incense is religious,
it makes me catch my breath.
And myrrh is not for births,
its more appropriate for death.

The star led us to Palestine.
We made for Herod's palace.
No baby had been born there,
tho I think he said, with malice,

that if we found out where he was
he'd come and worship too.
But I think he was plotting.
He was in an awful stew.

We found this baby in due course
in a stable by an inn.
They'd laid him in a manger.
Isn't that a sin?

We gave him what we'd brought;
paid our homage to his cause
and then we left. But still I think,
I wonder who he was.

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A Party just for you

There’s going to be a party.
A special party too.
And I can now reveal
that its especially for you.

It won’t just be a couple of hours.
We’ll celebrate all day
and take the next day off as well
to recover or to play.

We’re decorating up the place.
We’ve got a tree indoors.
We’ve stuck a fairy on the top,
the honour is all yours.

For nosh we’re having turkey
and a rich and fruity pie.
With lots of cream and brandy.
I’m telling you no lie.

We’re organising lots of games
to play in party mood.
And even after dinner
they’ll still be lots of food.

And drink, we’re getting in the spirit
to help us celebrate.
We’ll watch to see which one of us
goes one over the eight.

We’re buying lots of presents,
the shops are going frantic.
With toys and rings and ties and socks
and bath-cubes - how romantic.

But here’s the rub, I have to say
that there’s so much to do,
with so much celebrating
we haven’t time for you.

The presents we are buying,
we’re giving to each other.
The socks are there for father;
the bath-cubes – they’re for mother.

Its going to be brilliant.
We’re really so excited.
But as for you, I’m sorry but
you see, your not invited.

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The Pantomaniac

I’m a panto maniac
I do it every year
wherever there’s a panto
I’ll be there never fear

some people say I’m loopy
some people say I’m cranky
just cos I put on a dress
and talk like Widow Twanky

and yet it causes me delight
I’m a happy fella
when I appear as Buttons
and I’m wooing Cinderella

I know how many beans make five
there’s nothing that I lack
if there’s a bean stalk here in town
count on me, I’m Jack

and sometimes I am evil
and melodramatic too
and you can all despise me
I’m Abanaza, boo!

as Lord Mayor of London
young Whittington’s a brick
if you should think of leaving
turn again, I’m Dick

and good and bad I’ve done them all
from refined to bad and hairy
I’ve been a troll, a gonk, a bat
sometimes a real fairy

I’ve played the lead, I’ve topped the bill
I’ve taken every bow
I’ve also reached the bottom
as the back end of a cow

I’m still a panto maniac
no reason and no rhyme
I just count down the days
till another pantomime

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Santa the Scientist

Santa’s under rated
and much misunderstood
some think he’s simply rounded
just jolly, old and good

but I’ve been calculating
and I think its pretty clear
that Santa is a scientist
and quite the cleverest here

in half a billion households
he must descend a chimney pot
and I deduce he’s got just
6 hours to do the lot

now if my calculation’s true
then this is what I’ve reckoned
he has to manage 23 thousand
every single second

imagine all those households
each time the clock goes tick
no wonder we never see him
he’s moving much too quick

and furthermore his reindeers
must have lots of power
for it is clear he’s travelling
at 5000 miles an hour

he’s leaving from the North pole
around the world he’ll go
to cover that in just one night
he can’t go very slow

he eats millions of mince pies
each with a glass of sherry
no wonder when he’s finished
he’s feeling rather merry

imagine all the presents
he must load upon his sleigh
enough for every household
gosh, what does that lot weigh

and yet each year he does it
he never lets us down
forget the fat and jolly man
he’s the smartest guy in town

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The Nativity Star in waiting

Why am I always the sheep
Alone at the back of the stall
Why don’t I get the best parts
I dont understand it at all.

There’s Mary dressed in her mum’s curtains
And Joseph with a tea towel round his head
And all I can think when I see them
Is I should be up there instead.

They wont even let me sing in the choir
They say my voice is not up to par
So I just stand at the back
And all I get to say is “baa”

But one day I’ll show them, you wait
One day when they’ve all got the flu
All except me, cos I’ve had the jab
That’s when all my dreams will come true

Cos I’ll play the part of Mary
And Joseph and Gabriel as well
A solo nativity performance
Just think of the tickets we’ll sell

Till then I suppose its important
To stand at the back and to baa
But one day I’ll show them you’ll see
When I play the part of the star.

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The Turkey

Consider the turkey this Christmas
Consider the fate that’s in store
While you’re busy wrapping the presents
He’s frozen and ready to thaw

When you return home from your shopping
And worn out and shaken and puffed
The poor bird has this to look foreward
The prospect of getting stuffed

Consider the fun you’ll be having
In the snow as you watch gentle flakes
A cool snowball fight to have fun
While there in the oven he bakes

As you pour a swift pre-dinner drinkie
A cocktail all shaken and iced
He’s there on the kitchen table
Dissected and ready to be sliced

And then to the table for dinner
And on he comes as the main course
Consider his feelings, as he sits
Surrounded by cranbury sauce

And this is how he’ll be remembered
Its not what he would have chose
The last that we’ll see of the turkey
Is the tail end of the Parsons nose

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While Shepherds watched their flocks

While shepherds watched their flocks by night
I think they would be bored
And some of them would be asleep
And at least one of them snored

It would be like any other night
Cold, dark, no sound, no peep
Its really not a lot of fun
Just sitting watching sheep

So just imagine what you’d do
If seated on the ground
You saw a heavenly host appear
Would you still stick around

Your mate taps you on the shoulder
Are angels real he cries
Oh not at all you answer
They’re jsut fairy story, lies

Besides why do you ask me
A question so weird
Because, he says, quite ashen faced,
one of them's appeared.

You turn and in that moment
Gabriel steps forth
And says a baby boy's been born
The saviour of the earth

And as you try to take this in
And wonder what it means
A heavenly host of them appear
Imagine what a scene

They’re singing praises, Peace on earth
They promise to us all
And then they disappear and leave you
Wondering at it all

And surely you would comment
As the stars begin to peep
It makes a nice change
From simply counting sheep.

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In the bleak mid-winter

In the bleak midwinter
Snow on snow
Deep and crisp and even
Hear the north wind blow

Wake to see the blanket
Of white, that sounds alarm
Government health warning
Snow can cause you harm

It’s such a pretty sight
Until you must go out
And then it all turns treacherous
You slip and slide about

Beneath the crispy snow
There lies a sheet of ice
Just waiting to embarrass you
It really isn’t nice

Forget the vampire’s revenge
It’s snow which is the curse
For once it has you in its vice
It breaks your leg – or worse.

You loathe the snow, you bid it go
Don’t be in such a rush
For ere the streets are clear again
It turns from snow to slush

Your trouser legs are soaking
Its damp inside your shoes
Your socks are cold and wet
You end up with the blues

Ah yes, a snowy scene
Has a majesty its true
A panoramic blanket
Makes a lovely view

But the best way to appreciate
Snow’s beauteous wondrous form
Is inside, thro a window,
By the fire, nice and warm.

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Christmas comes but once a year

Christmas comes but once a year
Gosh here it comes again
Wherever did the last year go
Its like an express train

The shops reveal the seasons
For once twelfth night is gone
Then valentines is all the rage
Romance is pressing on

And then we’re onto mothers day
Forget it, you’re in trouble
Better buy her lots of flowers
For which the prices double

Then Easter time’s upon us
Hot cross buns by the box
And Easter cards to go with
Easter bunnies, eggs and chocs

Father’s day comes next
Its all done so low key
But we father’s never complain
Especially not me

And now the shops have summer wear
Designed for summer’s sun
Of rain there’s usually plenty
But sunny weather – none.

And now we’re heading back to school
The summer hols have gone
Autumnal weather hits us
And winter marches on.

The merchandise now changes
To celebrate halloween
With witches hats and pumkins
And trick or treat – what does that mean?

Now fireworks are all the rage
I think you’ll find it pays
Not to buy your own but rather
Go to municipal displays

And barely have we to time to think
About what’s gone before
Than advent is upon us and
Its Christmas time once more.

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The 12 days of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas
My true love sent to me
A rather ghastly partridge
Dangling in an old pear tree

On the second day of Christmas
I got another bird
I’ve written to my true love
And told him he’s absurd

On the third day of Christmas
Three French hens came along
I’m told this all accords
With a very silly song

On the fourth day of Christmas
Four colly birds arrive
I really think my true love
Is lucky to be alive

On the fifth day, at last,
he sent me five gold rings
at last a proper present
they are such pretty things

On the sixth day I could ring his neck
Six laying geese appear
Just why he thinks I want them
Is not entirely clear

The seventh day brings swimming swans
Where does he think they’ll swim
My true love will soon realise
I’ve had enough of him.

Eight milk maids and their cows are next
I dont mean to be rude
But my neigbours are ignoring me
And by the Council I’m being sued.

Nine dancing ladies skip along
Displaying all their art
My true love and I
Are drifting ever further apart

Ten leaping lords prance about
Behaving just like babies
And each is taking liberties
With the dancing ladies

Eleven pipers piping
Heavens what a noise
Its not the sort of sound
Someone like me enjoys

Twelve drummers drumming is the limit
It makes me hit the roof
Its not that I’m not grateful
Or simply just aloof

Its just that I cannot think why
Anyone would give
Such a useless bunch of presents
And still expect to live

My true love you will wish to know
Is my true love no more
He felt really rejected when I
Pointed to the door

So let this be a lesson
To avoid lovers rifts
Take this as a warning
And dont give stupid gifts.

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Christmas day blues

Well I thought you’d like to hear about the story of the Christmas day blues
But it really will depend upon the Christmas day approach that you choose
Although it comes but once a year it gets you in a stress
And everything you seem to try becomes a sorry mess
You want it to be over so it just becomes a yesterday blues

Well I’ve got some tips for all you mums that should enable you to survive
To make sure that on Boxing Day you’re here and you still feel alive
Just learn to smile sincerely when the dress your husband bought
Is three sizes too big or the length is much too short
It’ll help you to get over disappointments and the thoughtlessness blues

Have the rennies on the table and the Alka seltzer standing right by
Have the aspirin in your pocket and the sedatives on which your nerves rely
When they’ve helped themselves to seconds and they’ve feasted galore
When they’ve downed the Christmas pudding and they come back for some more
When they get bad indigestion; claim the turkey was so raw – day blues

When the pressure gets too much, when they ignore you and they’re all on the booze
When you’re left to do the washing up while everybody else has a snooze
When they call for tea and cake and they complain it takes so long
When they tell you that the way you did the icing was all wrong
Just remember this advice then you can sing them this song -away blues

When they drive you distraction and it causes you to shed a little tear
When it all turns out much worse than in your wildest dreams you’d possibly fear
While you’re making up kids presents and your getting quite deluded
When you realise the wretched batteries aren’t included
Just tell them next year they can do the presents and the food-away blues

If you’ve done your best but nothing that you try to do is coming out right
If the family is warring, constant arguments and ends in a fight
Just pour yourself the little drink you need to clear your head
Announce to all the guests that now you’re going up to bed
And off you go and leave them to it, they can sort it out instead of the blues
Those Christmas blues!

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Over the garden fence

Well I cant say I’m surprised
I knew it wouldnt last
I told her when I heard the news
Your time with him is past

What did you think you were doing?
You had so much in store
A marriage to a lovely man
You couldnt ask for more.

You’ve brought disgrace upon yourself
You’ve got yourself to blame.
You’re bound to be discarded
You’ll never bear his name.

You cannot be unfaithful
And hope he wont find out
Just look at you. It’s plain to see
There really is no doubt.

You what? A visit from an angel?
You’ll bear the son of who?
Gosh! Dont you really dream them up?
Now please give over, do.

He told you call him what?
Save people from their sin?
Dont you think you’re losing it?
You’ve not been on the gin?

Come on – let’s face facts.
The story that you tell
Its really unbelievable
It’ll take a lot to sell.

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